I love sleep. I love that feeling that I get just before I fall asleep, and the feeling of waking up after a good sleep or a nap.

I have always prided myself on the ability to fall asleep quickly, and anywhere. Moving vehicle? I’m out. Couch? No problem. In fact, I can fall asleep pretty much 90 seconds after getting horizontal. I can fall asleep in the light and with noise.

I think my falling asleep abilities make some people jealous. I have heard horror stories about people who can’t “shut off” their brains to fall asleep at night, and take hours to do what I can do in less time than it takes to tie up shoelaces.

Also, up until about 2 years ago, I could wake up in the middle of the night and then be able to fall back asleep.

Not so much these days. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m pretty sure that if it keeps up much longer I will have to do something a little more deliberate.

For the past 3 nights I have suffered from insomnia. Now, I hesitate to use the word “suffer” lightly. Cancer patients suffer. Impoverished communities suffer. Disaster victims suffer. But the inability to sleep being referred to as “suffer?” I dunno. Seems a bit extreme, doesn’t it?

But, ya, I’m suffering. I struggle to contain myself. I’m snappy, short-tempered, forgetful and illogical. And, I’m awake. And it’s 2:42am. I’ve been awake since 1:17, and I have no reason to believe that I am going to be able to fall asleep anytime soon.

The internet has some pretty funny stuff on insomnia, doesn’t it? It seems that those of us that can’t sleep try the most ridiculous things to achieve sleep. Here are the top 10 silliest things I have read on how to fall asleep.

10 – Get a massage. I don’t even want to know what would happen if I woke Brent up at 1:17 in the morning and told him that I couldn’t sleep and that he needed to give me a massage. I also don’t have an in house massage therapist, but I will say that my irrational sleep deprived mind is trying to figure out how to work this into the household budget right now.

9 – Drink milk. Specifically, warm milk. This is wrong on so many levels.

8 – Eat a banana. Ha! My mother was right! I can’t find any scientific reasoning why eating a banana will help me fall back asleep, but I assure you there is currently a banana working its way through my digestive system.

7 – Get up earlier in the morning – Brilliant! Except…waitaminute…it IS early in the morning and idontwannabeawake!!!!! Besides, I get up at 5:25 every day. One would think that I would drop into bed each night and stay there without any issue.

6 – Count sheep. Where did this come from anyway? Why sheep? Why not…chickens? Or money? Counting sheep for me goes something like this: 1….2….3….I really should remember tomorrow to address that email that Jane sent me….4…5…crap! I forgot to do that calculation…6…7…pizza money for the girls in their lunch…8…lunches…do we have bread? Did they put the jam away after their snack? What did Brent mean earlier when he walked right past me with his toothbrush in his mouth? I wonder if Zoom is going to be busy tomorrow. I really need to get started on that project that Bob asked me about…what was I trying to do? Oh yes. Sheep. Or was it chickens?

5 – If you can’t sleep, get up. Well this I understand, I guess. I’m up now, at my desk. I have a splitting headache. I’m debating coffee (yes, I know that’s wrong.) One thing is certain, I’m not asleep.

4 – Sleep with your head facing north – I think if I went into my bedroom right now and flipped my bed around so my head faced north, my husband would wake up pretty pissed and our bed would be on some crazy diagonal angle in our bedroom. Also, since insomnia has been a pretty new issue for me, I’m sure that my non-north facing habits haven’t caused it.

3 – Sleep with your head facing south – oh boy.

2 – Imagine it’s time to get up – Whaaa? Is this some sort of backwards psychology? Well, I did this. Guess what happened? I got up. Imagine that.

And the silliest insomnia cure I have read tonight is:

1 – Smoke yourself to sleep. I actually laughed out loud when I read this. Then, I clicked on the link, expecting to find this huge article on how smoking up is scientifically linked to better sleep complete with some plug about making this legal. Here is what it said, in it’s entirety:

“I’ve found the best thing to get me asleep is cannabis—and all the people I know who smoke it agree.” – Anonymous

Well, that settles it now, doesn’t it? Anonymous and all his high-as-a-kite friends are sound asleep.

To keep the record straight, me and my partially digested banana are going to try to have a bath. Good night!