Author: nadia

10 Great Things About Nadia!

Catchy title, eh? Thanks for reading anyway.

Truth is, this post is more for me than for you. Over the last few days (weeks? maybe longer?) I have felt – and mostly ignored – the mounting and overwhelming feelings of insecurity, uncertainty and general self-dislike. This happens from time to time, and usually ends the way it did today, with me sobbing uncontrollably in the shower trying to figure out *exactly* what is wrong. I still don’t actually know.

The tough part about being me is that most people see me as this happy-energetic-nothing-gets-me type of person, but honestly nothing could be further from the truth. Behind the confident smile and quick responsiveness is a little voice.  The little voice says things like “Really? Are you SURE?” and “You can’t do that!” and “Who do you think you are anyway?”

I would say that I’m having my semi-annual meltdown. The culmination of a severe lack of sleep, endless “to-do” lists and the desire to keep my shit together.  The truth of the matter is that Successful Business Nadia cannot simultaneously be Get To The Gym and Eat Perfect All the Time Nadia.  Supermom Nadia cannot simultaneously be Crazy Workaholic Nadia and Selfless Nadia cannot simultaneously be Please Pamper Me Nadia.

My mother is probably the best at dealing with Extreme Meltdown Nadia, although I’m sure she does feel a bit at a loss these days.  During my last catastrophic meltodown, I ended up in a friend’s basement at midnight, ugly-crying into her throw pillows while she looked at me incredulously and said “Wow. I have no idea what to say or do right now. You are my most ‘put-together’ friend. Huh.”  I realized at that moment that I’m seen in this world as someone much different than I see myself.

Sometimes, it just sucks.

Instead of a woe is me pity party, or a let’s go find someone who has things much worse off attempt (neither of these are difficult tasks), I decided to tell YOU some great things about me. The purpose of this whole thing, of course, is really just to tell ME some great things about me. Because me needs to hear that – from me – right now.

1) I give.  Yep, I’m a giver. If I have something, and you need it, I will give it to you.

2) I’m an open book. You might argue that this is a not great thing about me. However, I will share anything, with anyone, at anytime about my life or experiences.  I have learned *so much* about life and how I live that if would benefit someone, I’m happy to talk about it.

3) I don’t do passive-aggressive.  I’m honest about my feelings.  I don’t get “secretly mad” and not say something about it. How I’m feeling is exactly how I say I’m feeling. I don’t say I’m fine if I’m not fine, and I don’t “act.”

4) I love being a wife. I absolutely love it. I love the smile on Brent’s face when he sees me, I love cooking and taking care of the house, I love being “wifey”.  I would like to clarify that I’m not trying to say I’m the perfect wife, or that I’m an awesome wife. I just love being Brent’s wife. Even the messy parts.

5) I have a pretty catchy smile and a great sense of humour. I love to smile and laugh.  I’m trying to be as positive and happy as I can and it’s tough. But I think my smiley face makes other people smile.

6) I’m a great travel partner. I don’t stress about travel, I’m willing to go anywhere, with anyone, and try new things.  I don’t fuss about travel delays, and I generally love seeing new places.

7) I never complain in restaurants, and I don’t return things to retail stores. Ever. Like, ever.  I once read that someone who is not nice to wait staff is not a nice person. I believe this, wholeheartedly.  I will never, EVER treat anyone in a retail store or restaurant poorly (on purpose). I give loving feedback if I have a complaint, and I’m a fantastic tipper. On the flip side, I won’t shop or dine with you if you are nasty to wait staff or store clerks.

8) I’m a very hard worker. I like to work, and I like to get things done. I always try my best.

9) I love to cook for people. And I’m good at it! I love having people over, entertaining and feeding people.

10) I’m fiercely loyal. Always.  If you are a friend of mine, you are a friend forever.  I love a lot, and forgive easily.

 

🙂 I feel better already.  Off to face this day!

Season with Salt

When I need some downtime, I pick up my phone and scroll through my Facebook feed. It gives my mind a much needed break, and I can catch up on the latest happenings with my friends at the same time.  Like most of us who use Facebook, I subscribe to various groups for various reasons – parenting tips, Hollywood gossip, and groups that pertain to my companies.

Yesterday, I came across a sternly worded post in a group that started with “Avoid (business name) and (business owners name) at all costs!”  Reading further, I was then privy to nothing short of a rage-filled rant about this person’s experience with the local company, followed by 66 comments with varying degrees of support. Included in the comments were screen shots of emails exchanged between the business owner and the furious client, interspersed with threats of legal action.  By the time I finished reading it, (and yes, I shouldn’t have read it, but it’s the whole driving past a car crash thing…) I had felt as though I was punched in the gut.

Here is a sampling of some of the comments:

“..is the most awful excuse for a business…”

“despicable”

“…sounds like this business should be shut down.”

Sadly, some of these comments are from (soon to be removed) Facebook friends of mine.

Why does this affect me so much you ask?  Well, it’s because, as a local business owner myself, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that me or one of my companies could one day be the target of this type overreactive rage. I’m certain that there is likely some truth to the accusation; that the poster was perhaps in fact “wronged” by the business and is upset.  It happens all the time…because none of us are perfect. I have never met anyone who hasn’t had some sort of negative experience in a local establishment.  Does this warrant a social media rant like this?

What a lot of people don’t necessarily realize in moments like these is that people who own businesses use the income generated from their company to provide for their families, much like employees use their paycheque.  Imagine for a moment that, when you followed a policy or tried to work out a dispute with a client at your job, or made an error, your boss initiated a post on Facebook that started with “Jane is the most useless employee ever. You would not believe what she did today…”

How would you feel?  What would happen after that if 66 people commented with things like “What?! That Jane is just TERRIBLE! She should be fired!”

Regardless of the level and amount of truth in the initial post, you’d likely feel hurt, threatened, defensive, sad, emotional, violated, sick to your stomach.  If social media told you that your livelihood, or an error you made, or anything was “awful” it would suck.

Here are some guidelines (from my vantage point) on how to proceed with disputes with any organization:

1) Do it in private – Facebook, and other various forms of social media, are not appropriate ways to get what you want. Have a conversation, one that you can look back on later and say to yourself “I was really nice to that person, despite feeling upset.” Use peace, grace and kindness as the overriding principles when dealing with local business owners and never, EVER publicize emails or other written communication. At the end of the day, the conflict involves you and the other party, not the rest of your friend list.

2) Be reasonable –  Remember that you might not get your way. A business owner doesn’t “have to” refund your deposit, pay you damages, publicly apologize, or any such lunacy, much as you wouldn’t have to do that sort of thing if you screwed up at your job.  Being a bully as a result is never the right answer.

3) Handle it yourself –  It’s fine to seek advice from others. But dealing with a situation with 66 “backers” means you need to bring the whole rugby team to beat up the school wimp.  It means that you don’t have the strength to fight your own battles.

4) Pick up the phone, or pay a visit in person – So many disputes get escalated in emails and texts. The written word is greatly misunderstood at times, and if we are all being honest, we are MUCH meaner and more courageous behind a keyboard. So pick up the phone. Use email only as a way to schedule an appointment to discuss the situation in person.

5) Talk about you, not about the other person – Phrasing is critical.  I have found that phrases like “I feel that I have been wronged here and I am hoping you might consider refunding my deposit” rather than “You screwed me over! Give me my money back!”

6) Promote the resolution as much as the problem – You know how bad customer service spreads like wildfire? How about a Facebook post that says “Hey everyone! Guess what, (business) and I figured out a reasonable compromise!”

7) Be humble – I have never bought into “the customer is always right” – because it’s not true. Every disagreement or conflict requires at least TWO participants. Which means you, customer, are also somewhat wrong. Own it. You didn’t read the contract? Admit it. You misunderstood something? Say it. It will get you so much farther.

8) Don’t be a jerk – Ever. Seriously. Airing your disputes on Facebook is low, and it sucks. And that makes you suck. So don’t do it.

9) Be productive – Are you really, REALLY going to hire a lawyer over a dispute of $50? No. You aren’t. So don’t say you are going to. Speak the truth and have every interaction take you one step further to the resolution.

10) Season with salt – This was the best advice I had ever received, by way of a message at Grassroots.  It’s derived from Colossians 4:6 which says “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” How I interpret this is to always let your words be live giving, instead of life taking. Deep down, is there ever any real satisfaction from “showing them” or “sticking it to the other person?” No.  If we are all honest with ourselves, it makes things worse.

Yesterday, I reached out with some words of encouragement to the fellow business owner.  What I’m hoping is that the rest of the population that reads the post takes everything that is written with a grain of salt (pun intended).

 

 

Get to work, kids!

According to an article I recently read, a Saskatchewan family farm is being investigated for violation of child labour laws, largely for having their own five children work on the farm, specifically in the meat processing area.  The news clip, shown here, shows children using knives and vacuum sealing equipment, as well as general farm-related, animal feeding and cleanup tasks.  Apparently, it is against the law for children under the age of 16 to drive farm equipment or handle hazardous chemicals.

Fine. Don’t let the kids drive.  I get it.  But I see absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with a good dose of hard work, for any child, at any age.  As a parent myself, I’d like to share a few things I have learned.  Now, please realize that I certainly don’t think *every* family should operate this way, or that I am *completely* right in my views and everyone else is wrong, but here is what I have observed and implemented based on my own life experiences.

Some background information for you: my father Frank was rather insistent that, at age 11, I get a job.  Even back in 1989, when things were much different than they are now, jobs for 11 year olds were a bit harder to come by.  Frank was able to secure me a position at a local banquet hall to assist with cleanup at weddings, one or two nights a week.  I would be dropped of at around 5:30, and picked up when I was done, usually at 10ish.  I do remember a bit of resistance from my mother, but I think the European work ethic won over. Besides that, I was a very strong willed child, and I actually *wanted* to work.

Frank had a few ground rules when it came to working:

1) There is no “calling in sick to work.” If you have a cold, you take cold medicine and you go to work.  If you are tired, you grab some coffee, and you go to work.  If you aren’t feeling well, you pretend you are feeling well, and you go to work. If you….well, I think you get the point.

2) The only acceptable answers to a request your boss makes are “Yes sir” or “Yes ma’am.”

3) If you are asked at the last minute to pick up a shift, the answer is “Yes.” Social commitments be damned.

4) You are to say “thank you for this opportunity” each and every time you receive your pay.

5) You are to figure out what else needs to be done and do it, without your boss asking.

Armed with this information, I went to work and stayed there for almost 7 years.  My pay started at $16 per night, of which Frank informed me that $10 of was to go straight into my RRSP – but that is a story for another time.

Fast forward 25 years. I know own my own business, am completely financially self-sufficient, and I have children of my own.  Further, I have employees of my own. In my years of owning businesses and working with other business owners, I have seen many stories of less than stellar employee performances. In my experience – and yes, once again, this is written from a single vantage point – a large majority of these issues could have been completely avoided if a proper work ethic and mentality had been instilled by one’s parents at the appropriate, impressionable age.  I assure you, I performed my absolute best at every job I ever had, but not because I was scared of what my employer would do if I didn’t perform well. It was because I was afraid of disappointing my father.

As for my own children, here is what I have learned:

1) From about age 3, my kids wanted to be helpers and please.  When Camryn was born, I engaged Andria in getting diapers, helping to throw out bottle liners and get Camryn’s toys put away.  She loved it.  The thought of “helping mommy with the baby” was engaging.  Now that I also have stepsons, I see the same in them.  If I so much as halfway mention that I’d like to organize a drawer or closet I have to practically pry Logan off of me because he wants to get right in there with me.  Brent brings the twins along to various renovation and construction projects and they are already picking up handy tricks of the trade. As for Camryn, she has rejected the idea of getting her allowance for  doing nothing and has devised a payment system for chores and tasks.

2) When my children develop a sustainable life skill, it increases their self esteem.  I don’t have the science on this one, but I know for myself that being self sufficient makes me feel better about myself. The fact that I can prepare a healthy meal is empowering and attractive.  It’s also no secret that the earlier we learn something, the more we can practice and perfect it.  Letting our children work by cooking, cleaning, gardening, building, etc allows them more time to get really proficient at skills they can use later in life.

3) The work my kids do now helps to define unique interests in each of them. I can tell you that my kids, all of them, can identify an interest they have and how that can make them money in their adult life.

4) Working keeps them active, and away from their electronics. Who has time for iPods and TV when there is so much work to be done? We aren’t perfect. Yes, we have days where there is far too much screen time. But, my 9 year old stepsons can operate most of the items in a tool box, are lean and strong, and have provided tremendous value in various hard-work projects.  Also, they can see the fruit of their results. The best part? They take good care of the things they have built!

5) Teaching safety to our children makes them safer in everything. I do not want my kids to learn how to work safe on the job – I want us as parents to teach them safe work practices NOW so they are armed with that when they enter the workplace. The example above of the family farm shows the mother saying “I don’t have a problem with my kids using knives because they are good at it.” Perfect.  If her child ends up with a career as a chef, they will have years of using sharp knives already under their belt.

I don’t claim to have all the answers, or to be 100% right. Perhaps there is value in “letting kids be kids and have fun all the time” but I don’t see it.  I think that when my kids work hard, they appreciate and value the fun times more.  I can see my children turning into smart, strong and empowered individuals before my eyes, and I assure you, they will be a blessing on their future employers.

Entrepremyths

Brent and I own and operate six companies between us, all with their own unique offerings and challenges. No, these are not fortune-500 firms, no, we don’t have 600 staff and yes, we are actively involved with the inner-workings of our “babies.”

Not everyone can be an entrepreneur, and not everyone likes the idea of being an entrepreneur. The beauty of everyone being unique in their own way is that some people were born to be employees. Some were not. I was *definitely* not.

I did have jobs growing up, and I did clock punch, work on commission, and work for tips. I dealt with union bureaucracy, personality conflicts, and unreasonable managers. Each of these situations has shaped me into the entrepreneur I am today – and I am far from perfect at it.

I opened my first business in 1997, and it took me until about three years ago to actually use the phrase “I am an entrepreneur.” By definition (according to the nice folks at businessdictionary.com) I am, in fact, a serial entrepreneur, which is “an entrepreneur who continuously comes up with new ideas and starts new businesses.”

Over the years, I have heard some pretty unreal myths from non-entrepreneurs about their perceptions of entrepreneurs. I present to you, dear reader, the highlights, along with my perspective.

“You’re so lucky!”
Pardon me? Lucky? No. Lucky is winning the lottery. Lucky is finding a parking spot next to the door. Luck happens on casino floors, and in crowded parking lots. “Lucky” is not a term understood fully by entrepreneurs and I strongly suggest you not be in arms reach of a small business owner when you exclaim that phrase.

Entrepreneurs are not lucky. We are relentless. We are hardworking. We are disciplined and we are creative at seeing ways through tricky situations. Luck, my friends, sadly has nothing to do with it.

“You don’t have a boss, so you can do whatever you want at work!”
Partly correct. I don’t have *a* boss. I have about fifty bosses. They are often referred to as “clients” and they have a funny way of asking me to do fifty different things at the same time. And sure, I can do “whatever I want” at work, much in the same way one could have any colour they wanted of the 1909 Model T.

“You get to pick your own hours!”
Yes, I can pick my own hours. I can certainly pick which 14 hours of the day I work, on any given day. I can also decide if I’m going to work Saturday or Sunday or both (but not neither!). Here are things that I don’t pick:

– when the phone rings
– when the client demands a certain deadline be met
– when the client is able to pay (and no, it’s not every two weeks on “payday” in entrepreville.)

Truth be told, I’d almost rather pick one of these, than my own hours.

“You’re rich!”
Ha! No, I am not rich, and yes, I get stressed about money. See, that’s the problem with being a serial entrepreneur. I get one business up, running and profitable, then I start another one. It’s not unlike someone being shocked that they are pregnant and completely appalled like “How could this have happened again?”

“You can take vacation whenever you want, and as much as you want!”
Riiiiiight. Yes, I can certainly assign myself 15 weeks of vacation per year. See, there are two parts to a vacation: the scheduling of the vacation, then the *taking* of the vacation. Anyone can schedule a vacation, but really, it’s the actual taking of the vacation that is the most important part. For employees, a vacation involves figuring out how to set an email “Out of Office” rule and updating the greeting on your voicemail, both of which defer all your responsibilities to another colleague who has taken your responsibilities for you while you are gone.

For an entrepreneur, not so much. See, I liken businesses to babies. When you leave baby to go on vacation, you have to hire someone to take care of it, explain every minute detail about the baby to the caregiver, leave it enough money and food and supplies, draft up a list of phone numbers and ways to reach you, then call to check in on it every two hours while you are gone. That’s not a fantastic way to take a vacation. There certainly isn’t any “let’s disappear for a month without our cell phones” in my immediate future.

“It’s so cool that you have people working for you!”
Yes, it is very cool. I am fortunate to have been blessed with some of the best teammates. What they do for me makes me want to do more for them, every day. However, having employees, as cool as it may be, can be overwhelming and a great responsibility. I am not one of those detached employers, and I get attached easily. This can make things messy and complicated.

So, given all of the above, you might ask “Why are you an entrepreneur?” and my answer is simple. Every day, I wake up to be able to serve and help people. This, and this alone, is the fuel in my tank, the sun in my sky, and the source of my drive. It far outweighs the “negatives” above. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And sometimes, I even get paid for it.

You Hurt My Feelings!

After a series of miscommunications and misunderstandings, Friday was a real learning experience for me. The topic of the day: Hurt Feelings.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I have hurt feelings about having hurt feelings. My failed attempt at communicating my hurt feelings elicited the following response:

“But your feelings get hurt all the time!”

Wow.

As it turns out, “Nadia the Well Adjusted” is actually “Nadia the Way Too Sensitive”. Well then, if I could only find that pesky feelings switch and shut them off, we could all carry on our merry way. I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, I felt chopped to bits – as if he had no understanding whatsoever of what I was struggling with, and further, as if he didn’t care to find out.

So, I did a bit of research on feelings, what they are for, and how to control them. Personally, I don’t actually think that my feelings get hurt “all the time” but I will recognize that my feelings get consistently hurt by the same catalysts – in my case the feeling of rejection or abandonment.

The first place I went is back to The Love Dare. Chapter 3 is “Love is not Selfish” and it says that love asks us to deny ourselves for the sake of someone else, but selfishness leads to becoming “higher maintenance” (ironically, another phrase I’ve heard more than once!), more needy, overly sensitive and demanding.

Yep, I can see all of that. I felt (see, there I go again!) overwhelmed Friday by I series of probably innocent comments, varying in topic from laundry to work to marriage, compounded by the busy season of work, and my own lack of self-worth.

Then, I went to the book Boundaries, which is another really great foundational book. It details a story quite similar to mine – a husband dismisses his wife’s feelings because she has feelings too often. Boundaries states that we are responsible for our own feelings but to one another. So, it’s not anyone’s place to take the blame for my feelings, or for me to assume that they caused them or had any control over them – they are mine to own. However, the authors’ position is that we are all still responsible to connect with each other in a loving way. I’ll try to work on that today.

I think that most of us who have hurt feelings from one thing or another feel three basic things:
1) I don’t want hurt feelings.
2) I’m not sure why I have these feelings.
3) I don’t know how to stop these feelings.

I Don’t Want Hurt Feelings

Some people just like to have something to be upset about all the time. I’ve been accused of this, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m happy to go on my merry way, with no bumps in the road. As soon as my feelings get hurt, my chest heats up, my heart starts pounding, and I want to get on the next flight to Australia. But I have seen the opposite personality – the ones that revel in drama and just loves to create situations out of thin air. I feel like I have a short list of topics that I am sensitive to – so my plan is to work on those things.

Being aware that the world around us cannot be fully controlled by us is the first step. Ultimately, I cannot control any other person’s words, feelings, or actions. I can, however, note trends in what causes my hurt feelings and have a contingency plan in place.

I’m Not Sure Why I Have These Feelings

Do you ever look back on situations and say “WHY was I SO upset back then?” I do. The truth is, I cannot put my finger on the “why” of my hurt feelings in this place. Here is one important thing to always remember: Not knowing why your feelings are hurt is not a good reason to ignore them. Hurt feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge.

Ignoring your feelings leads to a snowball of emotions that will eventually manifest itself in one way or another, and likely on some innocent bystander wearing the wrong colour of socks. However, putting your hurt feelings in charge leads to hostility, harsh words, and misunderstanding.

I tend to feel vulnerable and easily hurt when issues touch on how I define myself. In this example, since I want to define myself as a good wife, my self-esteem is connected to my perceived performance in this regard. I’m more likely to be hurt by criticisms on my spousal responsibilities, parenting abilities and work performance and less likely to be hurt by criticism about the clothes I wear, the books I read, this blog and if I’m actually a good stand-up comedian.

One theory is that hurt feelings caused by the exclusion of another is a primal and evolutionary response that we have very little control over. In The Highly Sensitive Person author Elaine Aron discusses that back when humans were hunter-gatherers, “being excluded from the group was very dangerous.” The concept back then was that “you might have starved, or even gone insane from being ostracized.” Aron’s further position is that we record emotional wounds in the same part of the brain as physical pain.

So, THAT’S why.

I Don’t Know How to Stop These Feelings

Sometimes, I’m told to “just be ok” and I feel like crying. Thankfully, after yesterday, I finally understand that men just don’t understand. Men, as we know, are “fixers” and want to make everything better by some tangible, logical and rational “thing” and us women sometimes just need a hug and some time. Thankfully, our brains can actually learn to process hurt feelings despite history and genetic predisposition to being sensitive.

Here is a game plan:

1) Eject! (Temporarily) – I would never suggest to bury or hide your feelings forever. But, a few things to keep in mind as you process through them. We have all heard the famous Lawrence J. Peter quote “Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Sometimes, 24 hours makes everything better. I will one day research why a pounding heart and tight chest causes foolish words to exit our mouths.

2) Reject with Positivity – Make a list of all the great things about yourself, write it down, and keep it handy. This list is now the Master List. The more aware you are about the positive things about yourself, the less likely you are to disintegrate when criticized.

3) Engage in Pleasure – go for a walk, notice the sunshine, read a book, have a bath. I can see most of you rolling your eyes and saying “how cliché.” TRUST ME THESE WORK! Just do them. Excessive focus on what hurt your feelings makes them seem larger and more difficult to resolve. Find a positive, healthy distraction.

4) Forgive, trust, and be vulnerable – Seems pretty backwards, doesn’t it? The truth is that those of us who are closed off and unwilling to open up are the recipient of more criticism, anxiety and depression than our open-book counterparts. Accept an apology, then say “Thank you, I forgive you” out loud. Magic will happen.

Insane Insomnia

I love sleep. I love that feeling that I get just before I fall asleep, and the feeling of waking up after a good sleep or a nap.

I have always prided myself on the ability to fall asleep quickly, and anywhere. Moving vehicle? I’m out. Couch? No problem. In fact, I can fall asleep pretty much 90 seconds after getting horizontal. I can fall asleep in the light and with noise.

I think my falling asleep abilities make some people jealous. I have heard horror stories about people who can’t “shut off” their brains to fall asleep at night, and take hours to do what I can do in less time than it takes to tie up shoelaces.

Also, up until about 2 years ago, I could wake up in the middle of the night and then be able to fall back asleep.

Not so much these days. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m pretty sure that if it keeps up much longer I will have to do something a little more deliberate.

For the past 3 nights I have suffered from insomnia. Now, I hesitate to use the word “suffer” lightly. Cancer patients suffer. Impoverished communities suffer. Disaster victims suffer. But the inability to sleep being referred to as “suffer?” I dunno. Seems a bit extreme, doesn’t it?

But, ya, I’m suffering. I struggle to contain myself. I’m snappy, short-tempered, forgetful and illogical. And, I’m awake. And it’s 2:42am. I’ve been awake since 1:17, and I have no reason to believe that I am going to be able to fall asleep anytime soon.

The internet has some pretty funny stuff on insomnia, doesn’t it? It seems that those of us that can’t sleep try the most ridiculous things to achieve sleep. Here are the top 10 silliest things I have read on how to fall asleep.

10 – Get a massage. I don’t even want to know what would happen if I woke Brent up at 1:17 in the morning and told him that I couldn’t sleep and that he needed to give me a massage. I also don’t have an in house massage therapist, but I will say that my irrational sleep deprived mind is trying to figure out how to work this into the household budget right now.

9 – Drink milk. Specifically, warm milk. This is wrong on so many levels.

8 – Eat a banana. Ha! My mother was right! I can’t find any scientific reasoning why eating a banana will help me fall back asleep, but I assure you there is currently a banana working its way through my digestive system.

7 – Get up earlier in the morning – Brilliant! Except…waitaminute…it IS early in the morning and idontwannabeawake!!!!! Besides, I get up at 5:25 every day. One would think that I would drop into bed each night and stay there without any issue.

6 – Count sheep. Where did this come from anyway? Why sheep? Why not…chickens? Or money? Counting sheep for me goes something like this: 1….2….3….I really should remember tomorrow to address that email that Jane sent me….4…5…crap! I forgot to do that calculation…6…7…pizza money for the girls in their lunch…8…lunches…do we have bread? Did they put the jam away after their snack? What did Brent mean earlier when he walked right past me with his toothbrush in his mouth? I wonder if Zoom is going to be busy tomorrow. I really need to get started on that project that Bob asked me about…what was I trying to do? Oh yes. Sheep. Or was it chickens?

5 – If you can’t sleep, get up. Well this I understand, I guess. I’m up now, at my desk. I have a splitting headache. I’m debating coffee (yes, I know that’s wrong.) One thing is certain, I’m not asleep.

4 – Sleep with your head facing north – I think if I went into my bedroom right now and flipped my bed around so my head faced north, my husband would wake up pretty pissed and our bed would be on some crazy diagonal angle in our bedroom. Also, since insomnia has been a pretty new issue for me, I’m sure that my non-north facing habits haven’t caused it.

3 – Sleep with your head facing south – oh boy.

2 – Imagine it’s time to get up – Whaaa? Is this some sort of backwards psychology? Well, I did this. Guess what happened? I got up. Imagine that.

And the silliest insomnia cure I have read tonight is:

1 – Smoke yourself to sleep. I actually laughed out loud when I read this. Then, I clicked on the link, expecting to find this huge article on how smoking up is scientifically linked to better sleep complete with some plug about making this legal. Here is what it said, in it’s entirety:

“I’ve found the best thing to get me asleep is cannabis—and all the people I know who smoke it agree.” – Anonymous

Well, that settles it now, doesn’t it? Anonymous and all his high-as-a-kite friends are sound asleep.

To keep the record straight, me and my partially digested banana are going to try to have a bath. Good night!

 

How to be a stepmother – 101

If you had told me 5 years ago that 5 years from then I would have three stepsons I would have thrown my head back and laughed and laughed and laughed.

A few reasons for this:

1) I don’t have boys. I have girls. I practically WILLED the girls to be girls. When I was pregnant with Andria, I announced her gender at the 8 week dating ultrasound. The technician just shrugged and said “You have good eyes lady!” Andria tries so hard to act like I boy, I’m sure she would have preferred to be a boy….so I decided to have another girl. Camryn is your ultimate girly girl – hairdos, and dresses, and DRAMA to the max. I get all of this. I understand it. I doesn’t bother me.

They sit still. They colour. They stay quiet. They bathe, sometimes even voluntarily. Their toys don’t make noise, have remotes, drive, fly, or break apart into six million foot-stabbing pieces.

2) I’m NOT a kid person. The two I birthed myself were…let’s say…surprises, mostly to me. I am a career person. I don’t finger paint, I don’t tolerate whining, and I really, REALLY need my sleep. Kids are messy and unpredictable and generally inconsiderate because…well…they’re kids. When mine came along, I loved them from the very moment I saw them. Then I promptly made darn sure I wasn’t going to have any more.

Whaddaya know. I have 3 stepsons. Over the last 4 years, I have tried to get into the groove of mothering a) kids that aren’t mine and b) boys. The challenges that have arisen seem insurmountable, and surprisingly, there is very little useful literature on the matter. I have a few highlights that I have gleaned from what I have read and what I have experienced for stepmommies:

1) There will be days when you think your husband has forgotten your existence and you are a complete stranger in your own home. Just remember that the kind of guy you WANT to be married to is the kind of guy that will forever overcompensate to his children for the demise of his marriage to their mother. You would never, ever want to be married to a dead-beat dad so when you feel invisible, draw a nice, long, warm comfortable bath and thank God that you are married to a guy who wants to be an amazing father, even if he doesn’t seem to quite know how. The even better part is that he also wants to be a great husband even if he can’t multi-task.

2) No matter how many crafts, activities, gifts and privileges you bestow upon your stepchildren, they will ultimately utter some version of “my mom is better than you.” Remember that you are helping to raise children to honour their parents – and that includes her. When this happens, smile and say “I get ya bud. Mom’s are great, aren’t they?” Then go get a hug from your husband.

3) At the best of times, between biological parents, there will be disagreements on parenting style. Trying to have ultimate agreement between parents in a blended family is like trying to nail jello to the wall: It won’t work and you’ll end up in a mess. State your boundaries and preferences in a loving way and release yourself from the outcome. This will be tough, but remember, that you married a man that comes with children…and they need your love too.

4) You can have your spotless clean neat house in pristine order later. Now is not the time to fuss over silly things when your children and stepchildren need your love (and so does your husband!)

5) If someone offers help, take it. If you need something that you think might sound silly, ask anyway. You’d be surprised how the little things make the biggest difference.

6) Pray. Pray all the time. Pray for God to work in your heart to be soft to your children and family. Pray that He will use your love to create awesome little people in His image. Pray that as your children and step-children grow that they can look back and know they are loved.

Love is kind

It’s been a crazy month and a half. I couldn’t believe it when I logged in to find out my last post was in January. I would like to humbly admit that my first attempt at my second attempt of the love dare didn’t go well. To be brutally honest, Brent and I have had a rough six weeks.

I understand that most of the nonsense in our marriage is a direct result of my terrible sense of self worth and my lack of self confidence. It was some time after my last post that I realized that there is actually nothing about myself that I like. Now, before you all start awwww-ing, just hear me out. I’m actually ok with realizing that I don’t like anything about myself, because from there I was able to identify and conquer these items.

I have some broad goals for this year, in no particular order:

1) Get my body in better shape.

I don’t quite have this mapped out just yet, but I am struggling through the ongoing frustration of having drastically changed so much about my eating and activity habits only to see absolutely no changes in my physical appearance. 5 years ago I gave up soda pop, fast food and started actively exercising. Then, two years ago I gave up gluten, and started eating more fruits and veggies daily. Then last year, I started running regularly. Guess what the result was? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I haven’t lost any weight or dropped any inches.

My new view of this is that a dedicated and serious attempt is required: mindful eating of whole clean foods only. The only liquid to enter my mouth is water, 64oz per day minimum and sweat-inducing workouts 4 days per week. I have decided to track this for the next 12 weeks (with your help, Dear Reader, of course!)

2) Get my marriage in better shape.

Isn’t falling in love fantastic? Isn’t staying in love the most difficult thing in the whole world? Why does no one point this out in a clear fashion *before* married couples find themselves on the brink of emotional disaster? Truth is that Brent and I love each other terribly. I know this. I have read pretty much every relationship book there is, and the basic premises of these writings all make perfect sense – and all seem to completely vanish in the moment of a good argument. Our last big fight was on Valentine’s Day – how ironic. I miss being romanced and being doted on, something Brent pointed out was not in our wedding vows.

He has told me clearly that he has no intentions of being more romantic or changing in any way, so the reins are in my hands on this one. I’m going to try again.

3) Get my house in better shape

All five kids have grown since we last went through their closets, my room and kitchen need a major overhaul and the basement, well…ya. I am blessed to have Katie Miller in my life – she is coming to give me a hand at the end of the month. I find that I am much more relaxed when I feel like the house is in order.

4) Get work in better shape

All things considered, work is going pretty well. I have already completed a bunch of training this year and have a clearer idea of where I want the companies to go – implementation will begin May 1.

So – back to my love dare. On the topic of kindness to Brent, I have a long way to go. Some “journal” thoughts are this:

How would your husband describe you on the kindness meter? – Very low, ashamedly.
How harsh are you? – In general, I feel I come off as very harsh. This is not intentional. Brent has said to me “you have no idea how you sound” and I hate that about myself.
How gentle and helpful are you? – I feel like I am quite helpful. I try to lighten his household burden, but I get frustrated when it goes seemingly unnoticed. As for being gentle, yes, I am, but it’s intentional instead of natural.

I guess what I am realizing is that love needs to exist in me, even if I don’t feel I am receiving it. So, for the next 3 days I will say nothing negative to Brent, and I will show him at least one act of kindness per day.

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has also forgiven you.”- Ephesians 4:32

The Love Dare, Round 2

Last year I very quietly read, and (tried to) implement(ed) the Love Dare and the Respect Dare. At the same time.

They aren’t written by the same authors, but their 40-dare systems allow for integration, somewhat. So it worked…ish. I think most people that read these books operate like this is a “one time thing” because each dare gets more challenging than the next. They are geared towards a happy marriage, creating one, fixing one or preventing undue stress. I don’t consider myself to be a marriage expert by any means, but lately I have found odd trinkets of advice come out of my mouth. Brent and I are constantly talking about and trying to improve our marriage, and we can both humbly admit that we have said and done things to each other that were far less than what we’d expect from ourselves.

My goals this year include learning more about myself and expanding my consulting/teaching aspects of my job. I firmly believe that one cannot give what one does not have, so I have decided to take the Love Dare and the Respect Dare journeys again, only this time slower, and one at a time. I am starting with the Love Dare.

I would like to integrate each dare for a series of days, for three reasons:
1) I sometimes fail, (like I did with this first dare when I tried it, oh, 4 days ago!)
2) I don’t want to forget the progress. I want to make these 40 dares more like 40 habits, so I think I will decide on a number of days to practice each dare.
3) I need time to process the impact of each dare before moving on to the next one.

Dare #1 – Based on the principle that love is patient, my challenge for the next 3 days is to demonstrate patience by not saying anything negative to Brent.

When most of us hear “love is patient” I bet our minds wander to the popular bible verse from 1 Corinthians. Although that is a great verse, and I’m sure our friends at Hallmark must have made just a fortune on artsy “I’m sorry” cards with it, the premise behind my dare is to pause for a moment so I can fully listen to what Brent is trying to say to me without interrupting. I feel like mastering this will make my thoughts wise, my emotions more controlled, and my marriage stronger.

If anyone chooses to join me on this journey – welcome. Reach out to me if you wish, I would love it! Here is my first bit of encouragement: Few of us do patience well, and NONE of us do it naturally. What this means is that this “unnatural” calm is something we need to work at, to allow those around us to fail without feeling shame from us. There is nothing more rewarding than actively giving someone more time than they need to correct a mistake, and visibly avoiding an argument. Trust me, it’s exhilarating! Too often we feel the need to lash out, or give our spouse the gears. I bet all of us feel bad afterward, even just a little bit. Take this dare with me, and try extending extra patience to your significant other.

2014! The year of less….and more :)

Those who know me will not be surprised to hear that I have a list as long of my arm of New Year’s “resolutions”. Sometimes I wonder why each year I continue to go through this exercise in biting off more than I, or anyone else, can chew. On one hand, I like to have a to do list, and a good reminder of things that I have accomplished, and things that I need to work on. Sometimes though, I feel overwhelmed and a sense of failure.

Around December 28th, Brent nonchalantly announced “I think 2014 will be the year of doing less.”

Well no kidding. Here is a short list of the 2013 highlights:
– spent January in Victoria BC and finished my MBA
– bought a laundromat (like, what??)
– bought the building next door, gutted it and renovated it from top to bottom, inside and out
– took on a major renovation at our Cumberland property
– got married

In all of this, we worked at our full time jobs, kept the businesses growing, kept the kids fed, and still managed a family vacation and a lot of time at the cottage this summer. All things considered, 2013 wasn’t a bad year. But we did find that a lot of our days started with “I have to .” We didn’t connect with each other, our children, our family or our friends as much as we should have. As much as we *wanted* to.

So, I resolve that 2014 will be different. You’ll be seeing more of me, friends. When you call me to arrange a time to get together, I will say “Sure, how’s today? Or tomorrow? Or next week?” I’ll cook you dinner or make you tea. You can come visit me, or we can go for a walk. Or a run. We can go to the movies, or for dinner, or play a card game. Whatever you want to do, just ask.