Catchy title, eh? Thanks for reading anyway.
Truth is, this post is more for me than for you. Over the last few days (weeks? maybe longer?) I have felt – and mostly ignored – the mounting and overwhelming feelings of insecurity, uncertainty and general self-dislike. This happens from time to time, and usually ends the way it did today, with me sobbing uncontrollably in the shower trying to figure out *exactly* what is wrong. I still don’t actually know.
The tough part about being me is that most people see me as this happy-energetic-nothing-gets-me type of person, but honestly nothing could be further from the truth. Behind the confident smile and quick responsiveness is a little voice. The little voice says things like “Really? Are you SURE?” and “You can’t do that!” and “Who do you think you are anyway?”
I would say that I’m having my semi-annual meltdown. The culmination of a severe lack of sleep, endless “to-do” lists and the desire to keep my shit together. The truth of the matter is that Successful Business Nadia cannot simultaneously be Get To The Gym and Eat Perfect All the Time Nadia. Supermom Nadia cannot simultaneously be Crazy Workaholic Nadia and Selfless Nadia cannot simultaneously be Please Pamper Me Nadia.
My mother is probably the best at dealing with Extreme Meltdown Nadia, although I’m sure she does feel a bit at a loss these days. During my last catastrophic meltodown, I ended up in a friend’s basement at midnight, ugly-crying into her throw pillows while she looked at me incredulously and said “Wow. I have no idea what to say or do right now. You are my most ‘put-together’ friend. Huh.” I realized at that moment that I’m seen in this world as someone much different than I see myself.
Sometimes, it just sucks.
Instead of a woe is me pity party, or a let’s go find someone who has things much worse off attempt (neither of these are difficult tasks), I decided to tell YOU some great things about me. The purpose of this whole thing, of course, is really just to tell ME some great things about me. Because me needs to hear that – from me – right now.
1) I give. Yep, I’m a giver. If I have something, and you need it, I will give it to you.
2) I’m an open book. You might argue that this is a not great thing about me. However, I will share anything, with anyone, at anytime about my life or experiences. I have learned *so much* about life and how I live that if would benefit someone, I’m happy to talk about it.
3) I don’t do passive-aggressive. I’m honest about my feelings. I don’t get “secretly mad” and not say something about it. How I’m feeling is exactly how I say I’m feeling. I don’t say I’m fine if I’m not fine, and I don’t “act.”
4) I love being a wife. I absolutely love it. I love the smile on Brent’s face when he sees me, I love cooking and taking care of the house, I love being “wifey”. I would like to clarify that I’m not trying to say I’m the perfect wife, or that I’m an awesome wife. I just love being Brent’s wife. Even the messy parts.
5) I have a pretty catchy smile and a great sense of humour. I love to smile and laugh. I’m trying to be as positive and happy as I can and it’s tough. But I think my smiley face makes other people smile.
6) I’m a great travel partner. I don’t stress about travel, I’m willing to go anywhere, with anyone, and try new things. I don’t fuss about travel delays, and I generally love seeing new places.
7) I never complain in restaurants, and I don’t return things to retail stores. Ever. Like, ever. I once read that someone who is not nice to wait staff is not a nice person. I believe this, wholeheartedly. I will never, EVER treat anyone in a retail store or restaurant poorly (on purpose). I give loving feedback if I have a complaint, and I’m a fantastic tipper. On the flip side, I won’t shop or dine with you if you are nasty to wait staff or store clerks.
8) I’m a very hard worker. I like to work, and I like to get things done. I always try my best.
9) I love to cook for people. And I’m good at it! I love having people over, entertaining and feeding people.
10) I’m fiercely loyal. Always. If you are a friend of mine, you are a friend forever. I love a lot, and forgive easily.
🙂 I feel better already. Off to face this day!